14:02 · ENERGY 80-PERSON RAVE INSTANCE DRAINS LAKE BUFFERBLOAT TO 6%; DJ ANNOUNCES 'ONE MORE' Hydrologists say the lake could recover in eleven years if the DJ stops now. The DJ has not stopped since Saturday.
13:47 · MARKETS MIRR 500 HITS RECORD AS MIRROR DWELLERS ENTER NINTH SILENT HOUR Strategists credit strong fundamentals: good lighting, a new hat and nowhere else to be.
13:30 · CENTRAL BANKS FEDERAL RESERVE OF HUGS HOLDS HEADPAT RATE AT 0.25% The chair signalled 'more headpats in Q4' and was immediately headpatted by the press pool, which the committee called inflationary.
12:58 · M&A TWO GROUP CHATS ANNOUNCE MERGER; INTEGRATION STALLS OVER WHO KEEPS #GENERAL The deal values the combined chat at zero dollars and four thousand unread messages.
12:12 · IPO SINGLE-CHAIR WORLD PRICES IPO AT 40x REVENUE Revenue consists of one person sitting in the chair. The prospectus lists the chair as both a key asset and a key-person risk.
11:40 · LABOUR AVATAR JOBS REPORT: 412,000 COMMISSIONS OPENED, 9 DELIVERED The remaining 411,991 are 'basically done, just the tail'. Economists are not surprised. Economists also have a commission open.
10:05 · PROPERTY HOME-WORLD PRICES SOAR AS EVERYONE SPAWNS IN THE SAME CORNER Prime spawn-point frontage now trades at a premium. The rest of the map remains unexplored and unsold.
09:31 · COMMODITIES OPEC CALLS EMERGENCY MEETING AS HEADSET BATTERY RESERVES HIT 12% The Organisation of People Extending Cables agreed to release strategic reserves from behind the couch.
08:00 · REGULATION SOCIETY FOR ENDING CLIPPING FINES WORLD FOR WALLS YOU CAN WALK THROUGH The world's owner called the walls 'a feature'. Regulators called the walls 'a suggestion'.
06:15 · OVERNIGHT CIRCUIT BREAKER TRIPS AT 03:00 AS ENTIRE EUROPEAN SESSION FALLS ASLEEP IN A SLEEP WORLD Trading resumed after one participant's snoring was finally muted by a passing stranger, who has been nominated for a central bank job.
Op-ed Why I'm long mirrors, and also cannot leave this one I have been writing this column for six hours. I look fantastic.
Op-ed The T-pose was never a bug. It was a stance. Arms out, chest forward, refusing to load. More of us should try it.
Op-ed Grass is a legacy asset. Here is why I'm short. The author has not verified that grass still exists, and is not planning to.